And all were lost in the path of the Mighty Finngrund

Finngrund. Now there's a name to conjure with, to roll around the palate and savour even.

Here be the battle colours of the Mighty Finngrund, he who is said to have discovered America in 900AD, accompanied by 20 Viking longships and an undecided dog.

Actually I was kidding. Really it's a multi-coloured spotty shower curtain from Ikea, designed by somebody called Emma Jones.

However, I've long had the idea that you could dream up a super soap opera, based entirely on the wonderfully eccentric product names listed in the Ikea catalogue.

It would probably turn out to be a cross between South Park, Changing Rooms and Noggin the Nog. Now there's a relief; however gloomy the Nordic Saga, it couldn't possibly be as miserable as EastbloodyEnders.

The idea returned to me when girlfriend Claire expressed the desire to visit Ikea in Montpellier. Now this is a periodic girl thang so all decent chaps should be prepared to surrender gracefully to such a request on an occasional basis.

Have you ever tried to find Ikea in Montpellier? How can you possibly lose a giant blue and yellow thing, indelibly imposed on the skyline? Believe it or not, you can. It's just a case of whizzing interminably round a labyrinthine retail park, entirely devoid of useful signposts.

Frankly, I'd had have preferred to follow the Mighty Finngrund, because discovering America is, by comparison, a piece of piss. It stretches from pole to pole. Keep sailing west and you can't really miss it.