It's Eepees, 'Arpies, RIPs and The Men in Black

I ought to start with an apology to any long-suffering readers that I may still possess, given that any traces of intermittent scratching on parchment, papyrus, or back of fag packet have been distinctly thin of late.

Really in this modern age, we're talking about the absent exercise of The Well-Tempered Clavier or even the rabid gnawings of Mouse on assorted fugitive pixels but I expect you get the idea.

It would seem that I have been deprived of the chance to communicate by successive deluges of too much to do, or to put it bluntly, buried under crap. Still there is news of Planet Fa, AKA The True Centre of the Universe so here you have it.

Fa has been invaded by swarms of new and very official-looking signposts (très pukka). Broadly-speaking one lot says: No Wild Camping or possibly and quite plausibly: No Camping by Savages and the others say: Don't Knacker Our Footpaths by Using Them When They're Wet And Muddy.

Well, all very public-spirited and all that. However the main reason for mentioning them is that I couldn't help a smile when girlfriend Claire told me that she'd seen an unofficial extra bit tacked on to one of the signs, asking: So how are we to get to the wild camps when we can't use the muddy footpaths? The Mairie was deeply not amused so unfortunately the addendum was abruptly binned before your forlorn snapper and Beater of the Clavier managed to nail it with the hawk-like optic.

So wot's it all about? Why has the Mairie got its culottes quite so desperately tordues?

The problem is Les Eepees. Lots of Eepees in campements sauvages dotted all around les environs de Fa. Now an Eepee used to be a four-track 7" vinyl job, ideal for show-casing an up and coming band or for buying a 12-track Beatles album in bite-sized pieces if you hadn't the spons to shell out on all 12 inches at once.

Unfortunately in these post-vinyl times (woe, shellac, shel-lack-a-day . . .), it means a hairy layabout (unsoaped). The naïve among us thought that the purpose of New Age Travellers was to travel. However these ones seem to like staying put. They've also come up with a cunning plan . . . instead of squatting on other people's land, they quietly buy bits of their own . . . and it's very difficult to get someone off his own land . . . hence the Mairie's tendency to rip out its own few surviving collective follicles. You may wish to watch this space but I suspect that it won't be a pretty sight.

Of course it's quite different up the road at unsunny Rouvenac where they don't have Eepees, just 'Arpies. To be honest, I can quite understand even the Eepees not wanting to go there, apart from any solitary eccentrics wishing to take up lycanthropy or to participate in the Annual Village Best-Kept Broomstick Award.

Anyone caught loitering with intent to go about their legitimate business or even breathing without permission is likely to get some ancient, venomous, fire-breathing Madame Troll (usually right off her troll-ette) threatening to report them to the Gendarmes.

There are a couple of ways around this. Now and again they cheer themselves up with a nice funeral; being as the average age of the populace is about 302, this happens agreeably often.

It's also quite pleasant when even Les 'Arpies have to hide from Les Temoins de Jehovah. I must admit I got quite caught out myself because the old Temoins have a very slick operation around here.

Their Top Homme is an exceedingly impressive geezère in a black suit. I should explain that this is a very rare sight indeed in L'haute vallée de l'Aude. The only time I have worn a suit and tie in eight years here was to go to a funeral myself and I have to admit that I felt distinctly overdressed.

Les autres temoins are also exceedingly plausible; they come up to you and talk pleasantly and intelligently about the job you have in hand, only delivering le coup de grâce avec Le Watchtower when it's too late to appear stark naked at the door accompanied by an enormous dog, or to claim that you don't speak French. Which wouldn't work anyway because they have cunningly learned to speak English. You've got to give them full marks for l'effort.