How many philosophers to change a lightbulb?

I've been limbering up for an eco-rant for quite a while now. You have to watch ranting; when most people rant, it becomes exponentially boring.

The best ranter I ever knew was my mate Big Dave; Big so as to distinguish him from Dave the barman, formerly with a pet swift (see previous blog entry). Daves tend to come in infinite permutations of lots of them. Which is confusing.

Anyway Big Dave, all 6ft 7" of him, could rant on about the state of the world in a magnificent state of profound melancholia and eloquent bewilderment, though it has to be said that the previous night's 19 pints of Banks's Mild * probably had something to do with the bewilderment.

You only had to feed him a line about Women of Today, Pop Music of Today, in fact Anything of Today, Computers, My Top 101 Utterly Crap Football Teams or Absolutely Anything They Don't Do Like They Used To . . . wind him up and let him play. Somehow he was also awesomely funny. I'm not in Big Dave's class so I shall try to rant with due care and attention.

I'm not exactly a Luddite, I'm just innately suspicious of re-inventing the wheel. After all the basic concept of a round thing with a hole in the middle has served us well for many thousands of years and to tamper with it would only invite disaster. I also love lo-tech solutions. Lightbulbs wasting energy? Turn them off when you're not using them. Well, it works for me.

In fact it all started with these new lightbulbs, which I have been avoiding as I would a rabid dog ever since they appeared. I don't like the use of eco-blackmail to make anything five times as expensive as it used to be. Nor do I like their clammy, putrescent light like a vampire's boudoir. However I was finally forced into buying some.

At first, all went well: I could replace three 40-watt spots with 11-watt equivalent 60-watts for a mere €16.50 (formerly two quid . . .) and upgrade the living room lighting. Super! In less than 12 hours one of them failed, jammed in the socket, broke and remained jammed. When I have a mo I shall have to dismantle the entire fitting. I remain unconvinced.

Have you noticed that eco-Anything costs a fortune? I tried to buy some more of the perishing things at a notably budget store and found that they were just the same price. Cartels unite to save the world? Heartwarming, innit? . . . almost worth being ripped off.

It's just the same with insulation and solar panels. Being as we're all trying to rescue the planet, you would expect insulation to be free, subsidised or just plain cheap, especially to little old ladies in cold winters. In fact whenever I bill a customer for insulation (without any extra margin for me), I'm always staggered that they don't complain about the bill. It worries me just buying it for them. As for solar panels, just how much do you have pay for an inside-out radiator painted black?

In fact just about every previous civilisation was less wasteful than us. OK, the pyramids were a touch ostentatious as a death statement but they're built to last, entirely non-polluting and probably didn't cost much more than a house-full of eco-lightbulbs . . . End of rant.

*French equivalent: three bottles of Ricard, the number one choice for discerning headbangers.